Every January 1st it’s that same stupid promise I make to myself to lose ten pounds. I’m really going to do it this time, I tell all my friends. What a load of crap. I’m lying! I might lose five here or there, but it all comes home to mama—that is, back to my butt-- in the month of November and December.
How about some resolutions I can keep, like, this year I resolve to:
-Buy the right bra size.
-Stop shopping online after having a few cocktails.
-Make an appointment with a threader on the south shore (read the last blog if you have no idea what I’m talking about).
-Find that cute yoga instructor guy who popped into the hot yoga class one day to help us with our ‘positions’. While in my downward facing dog, he ‘positioned’ himself behind me to ‘fix’ my pose. Now that was hot.
-Go to a tarot card reader to find out my life’s destiny.
-Talk to strangers.
-Spend more time at the beach this summer.
-Eat salt and vinegar potato chips when I crave them.
-Shower every day.
-Bring my dog to the vet to finally figure out what that thing is that’s growing near her butt.
There! That’s ten things that I can actually do this year. Much better than “losing weight”…who needs it!
So, what are you gonna do?
-Steph
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Brow Beating
Sometimes waxing should be left to the professionals.
As the holidays approached, I took a good look in the mirror and realized that my Italian heritage was catching up with me. Hairy arms, hairy eyebrows, hairy lip…ugh. And, it’s the middle of the friggin winter, so no hiding behind a tan. I didn’t have the time to go to the salon for a facial and professional waxing so I decided to take it on myself.
Over the years I’ve become quite good at fixing the lip-stache. I remember years ago calling up my best friend, Tracy, in total embarrassment that I had a “lip problem”.
“I’m a freak! Oh, my God, I have to take care of this ‘situation’…what do I do?” I pleaded.
She laughed, because, although she and I are the same age (okay, she’s six months younger than I), she is far more worldly than I.
“Honey,” she laughed, “Go get a wax job. Everyone does it!”
“Do you?” I asked in amazement.
“Of course!” she confirmed without flinching.
Oh, so, I’m not a freak? That was an enlightening moment. And one that I look back on with complete admiration (I love my friend for telling me the truth), fascination (why had I not thought of this myself), and humble-ation (I am what I am).
Wax, since then, has become a close and personal friend of mine (lip, arms, bikini)…Hallelujah!
My eyebrows, however, are unchartered territory. I find that to hurt the worst (I know, go figure). And, therefore, I avoid it. But, there I stood looking at that ‘almost unibrow’ in the mirror, and I had to act fast.
I heated up the wax in the microwave, plastered on the stickers from the box that show you how your brows should be, and started slabbing on the goo above the left eye to get rid of that ‘mess’. This is gonna be great. Oh, how wrong was I?
Okay, well, the slab-on was painless, the pull-off was not only painful but took most of my brow with it! I couldn’t stop it. That yellow wax had adhered itself to almost every follicle and the yank off not only made me scream in pain, but when I looked at the clump in my hand I was holding what appeared to be a creepy caterpillar. I looked at my eyebrow. Not a lot of hair left with a couple of bald spots!
Okay, so now I have a bald brow and a hairy brow, the only way to fix it is to have two bald brows…right?
Well, as I’m applying the same procedure to the right side I notice that the wax is dripping…On my damn eyelashes!!!...That is the only part of my face that I actually want hair!!!!!! Stop!
I stop, and start trying to pull it off my eyelashes but it’s already adhered itself. (Mother F-er!!). That’s what I yelled (in full). I finished up the right brow and had to call it a night.
I had yellow wax hanging off of my eyelashes for at least three days. Thank God for mascara. It’s gone now, taking a few more of my lashes with it, and from now on I’m going to the salon for the brow wax. Unless someone has a secret to this that they can share…Cause I can’t figure it out.
-Steph
As the holidays approached, I took a good look in the mirror and realized that my Italian heritage was catching up with me. Hairy arms, hairy eyebrows, hairy lip…ugh. And, it’s the middle of the friggin winter, so no hiding behind a tan. I didn’t have the time to go to the salon for a facial and professional waxing so I decided to take it on myself.
Over the years I’ve become quite good at fixing the lip-stache. I remember years ago calling up my best friend, Tracy, in total embarrassment that I had a “lip problem”.
“I’m a freak! Oh, my God, I have to take care of this ‘situation’…what do I do?” I pleaded.
She laughed, because, although she and I are the same age (okay, she’s six months younger than I), she is far more worldly than I.
“Honey,” she laughed, “Go get a wax job. Everyone does it!”
“Do you?” I asked in amazement.
“Of course!” she confirmed without flinching.
Oh, so, I’m not a freak? That was an enlightening moment. And one that I look back on with complete admiration (I love my friend for telling me the truth), fascination (why had I not thought of this myself), and humble-ation (I am what I am).
Wax, since then, has become a close and personal friend of mine (lip, arms, bikini)…Hallelujah!
My eyebrows, however, are unchartered territory. I find that to hurt the worst (I know, go figure). And, therefore, I avoid it. But, there I stood looking at that ‘almost unibrow’ in the mirror, and I had to act fast.
I heated up the wax in the microwave, plastered on the stickers from the box that show you how your brows should be, and started slabbing on the goo above the left eye to get rid of that ‘mess’. This is gonna be great. Oh, how wrong was I?
Okay, well, the slab-on was painless, the pull-off was not only painful but took most of my brow with it! I couldn’t stop it. That yellow wax had adhered itself to almost every follicle and the yank off not only made me scream in pain, but when I looked at the clump in my hand I was holding what appeared to be a creepy caterpillar. I looked at my eyebrow. Not a lot of hair left with a couple of bald spots!
Okay, so now I have a bald brow and a hairy brow, the only way to fix it is to have two bald brows…right?
Well, as I’m applying the same procedure to the right side I notice that the wax is dripping…On my damn eyelashes!!!...That is the only part of my face that I actually want hair!!!!!! Stop!
I stop, and start trying to pull it off my eyelashes but it’s already adhered itself. (Mother F-er!!). That’s what I yelled (in full). I finished up the right brow and had to call it a night.
I had yellow wax hanging off of my eyelashes for at least three days. Thank God for mascara. It’s gone now, taking a few more of my lashes with it, and from now on I’m going to the salon for the brow wax. Unless someone has a secret to this that they can share…Cause I can’t figure it out.
-Steph
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